He Said/She Said (8): Rebuilding Trust
He Said/She Said (1): Intro
He Said/She Said (2): Lust and Marriage
He Said/She Said (3): Confessions
He Said/She Said (4): Prayer
He Said/She Said (5): Resources
He Said/She Said (6): Healing
He Said/She Said (7): Warning Signs
This is our last post of this series “Lust and Your Marriage.” We really want to continue the He Said/She Said Series…. please leave topic ideas, questions or comments in my community to help us decide what topics to look at next from his/her perspective. Thanks!
She Said:
For me, rebuilding trust in my marriage was very difficult. I was insecure about even recognizing truth because for so many years I was oblivious to many lies. I wanted to trust my forgiven husband. From the beginning of his confession, I knew something significant had happened in him and to him. I knew he was different.
But I struggled.
He wanted to be trustworthy, but I couldn’t make myself trust him.
It took time. Days of watching him in his new found freedom, turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. If he admitted being tempted to lust or giving into that temptation to look too long at a passing woman, it was a huge disappointment and regression for me.
Trusting after pornography is a painful dance, two steps forward, one step back, but we were both seriously committed to beat this at whatever cost and we were gaining ground.
I also struggled with trusting men in general for months after this. It was just another reminder that God is really the only One who will never fail me. Everyone else is capable of being nothing more than human.
This article on Rebuilding Trust by the author (and his wife) of Every Man’s Battle, is powerful and very effective. I urge every wife and husband to read it.
Trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
I recommend open communication. We talked about everything (and we still do!) I wanted to help him fight. But at some point, it became unhealthy for trust-building for me to know of every temptation. Remember, it’s not wrong or sinful to be tempted. Jesus, Himself, showed us that. My hubby got in an accountability group and shared those temptations with other men. This was a tremendous help to both of us.
As time passed, and we were three months, four, six months out, each day got easier. I learned to trust again because my spouse became trustworthy.
Many of the women who’ve emailed/left comments are struggling with men who are not trustworthy. Their hearts have been damaged over and over because their mates have failed over and over. You cannot be expected to trust someone who isn’t worthy of it. Put your trust in God, ask your spouse to clean up their act, get counseling or schedule an intervention with family, friends.
Rebuilding trust isn’t easy or done quickly, but it is possible.
(We apologize for the quality of this video–serious technical difficulties this week! Turn down your volume)
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